Bryan Wong

just finished watching the programme..

its different when you are filming it..but to watch it.. its …beyond words.

I gasped when i watched the beginning of the show, as it revealed pictures of me and my father..

Never had the chance to appear on screen with my father before..and today it happened..i cried..tears rolling down for the memories i stashed away..seeing the picture tore my heart..letting all my defences down..i grieved once again for his departure..my mum cried..tears finding its way down our faces…

But i am thankful to have had the chance to do this programme.

it is a closure..

but i miss him so much….

I seemed to have lost my voice for the longest time..

In retrospect, this month  has been the most upsetting month by far this year..within a mere few days, two individuals who meant much to me.. passed on. On the fourteenth of this month, i went to their wakes..

a wake up call for me.

Douglas.

On the tenth of August ,a monday morning,  i sat at the camera crew area, waiting to set off for the day’s filming of home decor. My ap for the programme came up to me, looking distressed and hesitant.

I have got a piece of bad news for you..But i think i will tell you only after today’s filming..’cause it will definitely affect your mood for today.

What bad news ? you better tell me now…now.

Douglas passed away.

……………what?….WHAT?

Douglas passed away…..

time stood still…i frozed..my mind went blank.. i tried to make sense of what she has just told me.

that is not possible…a nasty prank? no…but i just saw him at michelle’s wedding..we were talking, laughing, taking pictures, marvelling at the card trick that this guy was performing for our little group…

I tried , at that moment, to remember Douglas..but i can’t..my mind was swirling in a maze of blurred images..i remembered not.

On the eleventh morning, i have gotten more updates of his mishap..i finally remembered.

I remembered the wonderful years we spent in Mediaworks..bit by bit, memories of yesteryears flooded my mind.good times..tough times..crazy moments..they all came rushing.I tried to grab hold of them, not wanting to forget every single bit of memory i had of this wonderful friend…

My uncle.

It was about one in the afternoon, on the fourteenth of August,i was napping in bed, when my mum shooked me. In a daze, i looked up at her..teary eyed,she spoke quietly..

second uncle passed away.

I blinked.disorientated. i pushed myself up..not quite understanding what she said.

i blinked. and then it sunk in.

And on that day i went to their wakes. a heavy day for me. My heart ached when i saw them in their coffins.. my heart went out to the folks they left behind.

It brought back painful memories of my loss of my father..memories i blocked..it just came back and hit me mercilessly.

i resent the feeling of  loss.

i resent the feeling of pain.

Yesterday , Douglas was cremated.

Today, my uncle was cremated.

its been quite a while since i blogged..

Not that i am too busy or anything but in actual fact, i log on everyday..looking at the wonderful messages that you guys left  me..it has become my favourite pastime.. could it be that i am having writer’s block..or it could be that my life has been pretty much quiet and uneventful..As i scrolled thru my past entries, i was pretty much taken aback at how eventful my life has been since i started blogging..I have had the pleasure of writing a diary, on and off, but blogging, woh..that is something else! So much has been written..so much revelations..thoughts..memories forgotten…joy..sadness…confusion..anger…my goodness, so much of me for the past many months…and so much of you, who walked the distance with me..

its been a real while since i blogged..until something really writable comes by  i shall attempt to overcome my writer’s block:) In the meantime, i am going to try out twitter…bbryanwong is my nick..lets see how it works out..

Twitter with me …